Now More Than Ever, the Future of Innovation Is as Disruptive as It Is Groundbreaking – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Welcome to DisruptiCon 2020. Thank you for your patience as we transition our annual keynote to a socially distanced livestream.

For the last few months, we’ve seen tragedy everywhere we look. And we decided that staying silent would be a tragedy in and of itself. So let us take a stance, right here, right now: you are still allowed to give us your money.

The world has changed, but one fundamental truth has remained the same: we are still at the forefront of the precipice of a turning point for our industry.

Creators are still creating. Consumers are still consuming. But what our competitors still fail to realize is that consumers are still consuming the creations that creators are still creating.

That’s where we still come in.

At our company, when it feels like nothing is in our control, we believe in putting power in the hands of the people: the power to purchase our devices.

In an uncertain moment, we want our customers to think different — assuming they’re currently loyal to some other brand. If they’re already loyal to us, we encourage them to think same. But also forward. And united.

We’re not giving them a product. We’re not giving them a service. We’re giving them a way of life. A way of life that costs an amount suspiciously similar to a product or service.

As forces beyond our control drive us apart, Silicon Valley has come together. Literally. We have violated social distancing guidelines in order to bring our manufacturing team together. Why? Because we’re all about giving people what they want, even in the face of people telling us “that’s not what we want.”

Why listen to what people say they want when we’ve already conducted an internal review that drew self-assuring conclusions about what people want? As people work from home, they want interconnected connectivity. They want digital spaces to be comprehensive and all-encompassing. They want a personal surveillance box that can give an inaccurate weather forecast in a British accent.

When we were developing the vision for our latest round of inspiration, we asked ourselves a crucial question: do customers want capabilities that are cutting-edge? Or do they want something immersive?

Time and time again, our research has spoken loud and clear: our users are demanding features that are integrated in their impact. In other words: intuitive.

That’s why we’ve leveraged state-of-the-art resolution with radically stunning display design to produce an end result that uniquely appeals to the widest possible audience.

And guess what, dads? We know you love the classic blockbuster action-adventure movie film — that’s why for the first time ever, you can simulcast a broadcast with a streaming download for the ultimate viewing interface.

Do you like the letter X? What about the symbol ? And who could forget the word “Pro?” What if we told you that our brilliant team of world-class innovators have designed a new machine whose title combines all three of these critical elements? The XPro is the hottest must-buy XPro since the XPro we convinced you to buy 10 months ago.

Got a 27-inch desktop with a Retina 5K display? We’ll make it 27 feet with an Ultra-Retina 6K display. We don’t care. We just say things that sound good in our heads and then our engineers have to figure out how it would actually work. It’s a symphony of synchronized synergy.

There’s a reason people say we’re entering the Smart Era. And it’s not just because we have developed a years-long messaging campaign declaring that it’s about to be the Smart Era. It’s also because there’s giant, beautifully pristine Helvetica text being displayed in the lower third below me that reads “Welcome to the Smart Era.”

As we enter what we’ve all agreed is the Smart Era, we intend to be bold, based on what market research has told us that people would consider bold. We’re going to take risks that we imagined with the ambitious goal of getting absolutely no one in trouble. We’re going to do things no one has done before — which is to say that we’re going to take things that people have done before and make them faster, thinner, and bigger.

And of course, as industries rely more and more on telecommunications software, we take privacy and data security very seriously. That’s why we’ve taken great strides to [INSERT SOOTHING BUT ULTIMATELY NONCOMMITTAL PLATITUDE HERE THAT WILL APPEASE BOTH OUR LAWYERS AND TECH JOURNALISTS].

Futuristic. Advanced. Premium. Put those three words together, and you’ll begin to understand the strategy we’re implementing in the COVID-19 period and beyond.

One thing’s for sure: now more than ever, the future of innovation is as disruptive as it is groundbreaking.

And now more than ever, it’s $9999.99 MSRP.